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スプリットショックウイルス † 
Stop using HTTP for everything. Invent your own protocols. Be cool, be creative!
In fact, don't even use TCP or UDP. Run your new cool protocol on top of ICMP, for one. Or invent a new cool transport-layer protocol. Shit's broke? Tough luck!
The elites don’t want you to know this but all of these bits are just between you and your communication partner. Fuck the NATs. If you're not using every bit that's available to you, what the hell are you, a Javascript developer?
@cjd fun fact. I threw in a quick translation layer that masquerades UDP as TCP. And it works, even across NAT! I need to finish it properly and publish the code some time.
If you make a PR to cjdns which adds EvilTCPInterface, I'll merge the hell out of that shit.